Gifts are inefficient.
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Ok, here's the subset of gift I am referring to:
1. Not specifically asked for. That is, gift registries are not within this claim.
2. Not bought with a preternatural understand of the recicpients desires. There are very few presents I have received as an adult that are something I wanted but would not buy for myself. Most recently, this was a used correlian Corvette from xwing.
3. Not cash. Cash can be an efficient present.
4. Not kids it others who often lack an ability to get things they want.
The majority of presents - Christmas, birthdays, etc - fall into this category. We pretend to thoughtfulness, while actually forcing people to either be rude or accept something they don't want.
Cash is different. Cash empowers the recipient to convert it into what they want. Registries are different; this is a gift of time to do the shopping in behalf of the recipient.
Most of the time? Just give cash.
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Also, if you are in a relationship with someone and share a bank account you are effectively giving them their own money. So don't give them cash either, because that's silly.
ReplyDeleteOn one hand I agree with you, on the other I feel as though this ignores the emotional impact of gifts.
Setting aside the fact that you've cut out of your definition of gifts all gifts that are "efficient", I'd say that gifts that are given on scheduled occurrences are ritualistic communication referring to social status and relationships, and the reason why they're "inefficient" is because social status/relationship structures are changing while the rituals remain stagnant. People go through the motions instead of actually using the rituals to communicate something.
ReplyDeleteLike, I'm not saying we go back to the days when Becky would give me a bottle of too expensive champagne to one-up me after I get a promotion, but at least back then we both understood what Becky was doing.
Does your utilitarian calculus have any variables for emotions like gratitude?
ReplyDeleteThere are some gift-giving traditions get around this problem.
ReplyDeleteMany people have things they would like to have but would be unwilling to buy for themselves — luxury soaps, excellent meals, good wines.
Some of us collect things. I collect owls, and part of the joy of getting one is also in the novelty, in getting to see what made someone else show interest and think of me. The Queen of England collects brooches.
But both of these require some effort on the part of the giftee to be easy to get gifts for. The wide open framework doesn’t work nearly as well.
This is a common lament of economists. I generally don’t want traditional gifts for this reason. I like heartfelt cards and experiences, but no one really knows what physical objects I want. The gifts I like to give are (1) things people would want but don’t know about, (2) things people want but can’t justify buying for themselves, and (3) things that people don’t realize will make their life better until they actually have them. In all instances I need to know someone quite well for this to be possible.
ReplyDeleteThe best gift I received in recent memory was a personalized mug with my name on it made by a friend. I use it all the time, since I need exactly one large mug in my life and didn’t have one, and it makes me think of her. Yet a mug is usually a super-lame gift and I have no need of another. I think it was a combination of (1) I didn’t know I needed one until I got it, and (2) it was hand-altered in a way that I appreciated (though presumably a store-bought one that really suited my taste would have been almost as good). Gifts are complicated!
I wish our culture encouraged more "just because" gifts, and had fewer "gift obligation occasions." I'll take one "I saw this and thought of you" gift over a hundred "the calendar said I should spend money on you" gifts.
ReplyDeleteMy spouse and I give gifts sometimes, but also largely just put some of our fun money into the travel fund as a gift. So, it's still symbolic - "this is my fun money and I'm putting it towards a vacation you will get to take", and doesn't clutter the house (just a jar. We give actual cash and put it in a jar because it's cute, and also practical since we want to travel international and fees are the worst)
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, I often try to give homemade food gifts, or to hear/notice when people need or want something. I like gift giving, but not frivolous, random shit.
Matt Johnson See, I feel like the emotional impact of a gift without those caveats is burdensome; here's something that I don't want, that I am socially not allowed to get rid of (for a while), and that my friend expects me to feel grateful for.
ReplyDeleteMy birthday was this month. My mother asked me what to get. I told her: Help me with this nonprofit organization. That's the gift I want; your organizational ability, connections, and general charisma. I have all the things I want -- admittedly, part of that is generally not wanting things.
Kimberley Lam Oh, Becky. Or the boss who invited my now-wife and I over to dinner, knew he were vegetarians, and served pate. That's social signalling, too.
ReplyDeleteTony Lower-Basch Oh, for sure. I'm much happier with gifts of time and energy than with thoughtless gifts.
ReplyDeleteSeriously: You hosting our game night is a gift, as it means I don't need to. I'm grateful for that, more so than I would be if you bought me a game book I didn't really want.
Jesse Cox For sure!
ReplyDeleteA few months ago, we went to NYC. We stayed with friends, and took them to a show. That is: They gave us the gift of hospitality, and we gave them the gift of seeing something incredible.
Everybody won. And, while I wanted them there because I wanted to see reactions with fresh eyes, we also saved money by staying with them and buying tickets as compared to a hotel in NYC.
They wouldn't have been willing to buy such tickets for themselves, and we weren't willing to buy a hotel room right then. Everybody won!
Sam Zeitlin Yes to all of that.
ReplyDeleteJule Ann Wakeman Or even just "here's some money" gifts, so long as the understanding is it doesn't need to be equal.
ReplyDeleteKelley Vanda Yep! And spouses are, generally speaking, people who know what we want even better than we ourselves do.
ReplyDeleteGift-giving is fraught for all the reasons stated above, but not giving gifts is also a minefield. For some people, gifts are symbolic of love, and a failure to give gifts is a sign that someone loves you less. When you have a family where people have different expectations surrounding gifts, it can cause a lot of friction. It's especially hard when people's expectations change, because they grow up or because in-laws with different expectations enter the family.
ReplyDeleteNote to self: It's not too early to start the yearly, agonizing "are we going to give gifts or not" conversation in my own family.
"Cash empowers the recipient to convert it into what they want."
ReplyDeletecould also be read as
"Cash requires the recipient to convert it into what they want."
a lot of times, i want something and i have the money for it, and due to force of habit and societal pressures, i don't spend the money. so a gift can take away the burden of choice and action!