SNL was on point.
Two sketches:
-- The group having dinner, talking about metoo and Aziz.
-- The deodorant Next for men who know the metoo movement is about to get.
On my end, I've been present in some workplace conversations that went about like this:
Workplace proximate colleague: The metoo movement is trying men without a trial or evidence.
Me: ... Isn't it more like people don't want to work with those men, and folks are finally saying so in public?
Workplace proximate colleague: Weinstein is gross, sure. But, come on, Kevin Spacey?
Other Person # 1: He raped a kid!
Workplace proximate colleague: It was 30 years ago. he was 19. The "kid" was 14. And it's he said, he said, and you're all choosing to ignore what Spacey says!
Me: ... How about Azis?
Workplace proximate colleague: Whose that?
Me: ... A comedian. He did some shitty things.
Other Person # 1: Nothing he is accused of compares. That's metoo run amuck
Workplace proximate colleague: And now people won't work with him! Typical.
There's this toxic combination of ignorance and a disregard for the perspectives of others that I'm never sure how to handle. Usually, at this point, I ask if they've heard about Tom Hanks. Who, by all accounts, has been nice and kind to everyone.
I'm not really sure what to do in that conversation. I've considered:
Workplace proximate colleague: The #metoo movement is trying men without a trial.
Me: It's not a trial. It's whispers moved to conversation, we've become privvy to what people have had to whisper about these men for 100 years. It's the underprivileged finally about to stand up to the powerful, and about damn time.
Or even:
Me: That's the stupidest thing you've ever said. You are a danger to this company. You should quit before you say this in front a client and HR has to fire you.
Maybe, just:
Me: That's the sort of opinion that causes unsafe workplaces. I think it best if you not say it where other people can hear you.
Or, perhaps:
Me... ::leaves::
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your "maybe, just" option sounds pretty great for workplace use to me. at least, I wish i'd thought of it at times when co-workers were spouting off about some ridiculous bs like that
ReplyDeleteEither option 1, which is factual without being accusatory.
ReplyDeleteOr "maybe just," without the second line. Again, factual without being accusatory.
I think those are the best answers. The reason dudes are freaking out, especially about Aziz Ansari, is they remember having done shit like that, and the're panicking. And instead of thinking, "maybe I should apologize to the person I've hurt and ask what they need from me to make amends, if possible," they act like they're about to get dragged into the streets and set on fire.
"If you had a choice of hanging out with someone who might have raped a kid and someone who didn't, who would you pick? Or a guy who creeped you out versus a guy who doesn't?"
ReplyDelete"Like, there's 8 billion people in the world. You can't work with or hang out with all them. You have to pick and choose. Wouldn't you rather choose the non-creepy ones?"
"Consider that the me too movement is made up of people who have been abused in silence and darkness for a long time, and that your argument advocates that they should continue to suffer in silence and to be abused. The court of public opinion is a hard placed to be "tried" but it is also not a trial. No one incarcerating these men "on trial" and no one is sexually assaulting them.
ReplyDeleteAlso consider that the statistics of the US labour board tell us that the chances are very likely that women you are working with today have faced some level of workplace sexual harrassment or assault in their lives. When you talk about this issue in a workplace environment you ensure that women here know you would not believe them if it happened to them here and you tell them they are not safe. "
Thanks, all.
ReplyDeleteall this and I get dinged for being mean to rich old white men. I suppose that's the mechanism of patriarchy.
I think others have given you good things to say. I'm just going to suggest some verbal judo that will make it more likely you help the other person move toward understanding.
ReplyDelete1. Listen to the other person.
2. Try to remain calm, even if what they are saying is offensive.
3. Use phrases like "I used to believe that too but..." (if it's true) or "I see where you're coming from but..." to show you've listened.
4. Do not shrink from saying what you believe, but try to do so in even, measured tones, without anger or malice. I realize this is extremely difficult to do, especially for this issue, so cut yourself some slack if you don't get it exactly right.
5. Use real examples from your own life, being careful to respect others' privacy. "I know someone who was sexually assaulted by her ex-boyfriend..." or "I have a family member who was hounded out of a job because she wouldn't go out with her boss..." or "Let me tell you about this scary thing that happened to a woman I know when we were briefly separated by the side of the road..." or even "I was sexually assaulted when I was 15..." These are extremely powerful, because they personalize the experience. If you think you don't know anyone who has been sexually assaulted, talk to the women in your life. Maybe even read their Facebook posts. We are in a unique time when it's actually easier to have these conversations: "Hey, mom, I've been reading about the MeToo movement. Did anything like that ever happen to you?"
Arguments aren't going to convince anybody, because arguing has become our national pastime. Threatening to go to HR is likely to result in the person reacting and becoming defensive, and may even bring blowback on you. But coming face-to-face with a human being who has been a victim or who knows a victim so that you can't escape their pain: that's going to change people.
There's a lot of scientific evidence for this. Most of the changes in attitudes toward the LGBTQ community have been due to brave people coming out of the closet. All of a sudden everyone had a neighbor, a nephew, a co-worker who was gay. And let me tell you, as someone who was born in the 1960s, those changes have been seismic.
Good luck.