ok, this is going to be a big post. I swear it'll get to gaming. Or at least cons.

ok, this is going to be a big post. I swear it'll get to gaming. Or at least cons.

Growing up, I was more or less raised baptist. Sunday services -- morning and night -- Wedneseday youth group. Singing. (By the way, the reason I have never attempted to learn to sing is our musical minister said i have a "pitch problem", and then I never tried to learn because brain weasels.) Choir, all that shit. We weren't just members, we were active members. My mom became a deacon, my dad quietly stopped going because church is bullshit.

And, in the summer, camp. Both weekend and weeklong camps. There was a lot of variety in quality of lodging, going from 4 to a room to upwards of 20. Never private. There's no privacy at these things. At one camp, you showered together. In a bathing suit. And turn around from each other when you wash up and check for ticks, and don't take too long that's gross. [ Also, wow. I ddn't realize until writing that how mired in homophobia that policy was. I'm sorry. ]

A lot of time spent under the supervision of the religious, doing religious things. Everything from praying in the woods to singing about King David's problems with tax collectors (named: I rip off, *R*ake it in, and uncle *S*am. A joke I did not get, but when my father heard it he contemplated a lawsuit, and told the IRS that the church was talking about fucking politics from the pulpit. I'm glad he set that example.).

Anyway. I'd come back from these things filled with zeal, and alternatively angry and sad for no reason -- or for all too good a reason. The excuse given is something like "separation from god", with the claim being that at these things one is closer to the The Great I Am than in normal life. And so, as you get back to normal life you feel that loss as pain and anger.

In short, I was dealing with con crash, didn't know it, and did not have the emotional tools or community support to deal with it.

Sometime in my teenage years, I pick up RPGs. A lot of whitewolf stuff. I remember an Aberrant campaign, where I had imposter syndrome and brain weasels and didn't know how to tell my friends-players. They were all a bit older and more into gaming than I was, and I felt like I brought nothing to the table. And I didn't know how to talk about it.

Again, dealing with things without knowing how. Because teenagers are ill-equiped to deal with the range of behaviors they need to. _[ And what hammered home that point? Monster hearts ] _

Mage is, probably, why I became a philosophy major. Why I double majored in math. Why I went to grad school at Carnegie. Why I met Dianne, and live in DC. Why I have a career where my boss is impressed that I ask questions like "what is the good life?"

Through undergrad and grad school, I play RPGs. Undergrad I had a group, and we played some weird stuff and I heard shitty things about this online place called The Forge -- apparently filled with toxic assholes who don't know anything about gaming. [ I wish I had joined you all there, right then. Oh well. ]

Fast forward a few years. (you're welcome), I'm set up in DC. By this time, my wife and I are running a board game meetup group that, as of now, has 1,600 members. I'm tired of RPGs. We'd done a nearly four year long campaign of D&D fourth edition that ruined friendships and soured Dianne on RPGs forever more.

We go to a wedding. At the after party, someone pulls out Fiasco and is like "Wlliam, I hear you used to love RPGs but combat got you down. Wanna try this?", and YOU GUYS. It was an epiphany. The first of many.

The great Ted Cabeen (who I only ever met the once) facilitated that, and recommended that if I liked it I should go to Nerdly. I was all "I don't go to cons." I'd heard bad things about gen con, and didn't want to relive the experiences of my adolescences. Besides, don't only weirdos go to cons?

Ted convinced me -- and Dianne -- to try it out. We Went to Nerdly that year, met Jason, Sean, Patti, Adam Dray, David Berg, Tim, Melissa, and so many others. Rachael Story, who introduces me to the local scene. To people who have become some of my best friends.

Many of these folks I now see a few times a year, and adore. People who, just this weekend, were asking how that work problem I was having a year ago turned out. They remembered, and cared about me, and wanted to know!

[ It turned out better than I hoped for. This is not that post. ]

My first Nerdly was another Epiphany. So was my first larp -- the Tribunal, at Nerdly, at midnight, and I was mouse. I am pretty sure I had a panic attack all night. It was the best and worst thing ever. ]_

A few months ago, Sarah Lynne Bowman ran an Epiphany retreat/larp. I went as a mentor for the Cult of Ecstasy, because it is the moments that matter to me. And because I am moving into a mentorship / leadership role in work and life, and need a safe space to help guide me with that. What matters to me in my games, and most of my relationships, is the moments that transcend -- the ones that seem to go on forever, yet to last only an instant.

In short, the moments that, twenty years ago, I would have described as spiritual. As moments with god. What I didn't know that, and do know now, is I find those just as easily in non-religious circumstances.

I met wonderful people at Epiphany (omg, everyone), and the unexpected happened: I noticed myself get the fuck over hero worship. I'd been getting better, but Epiphany really hammered home that there are loads of fantastic gamers who I don't even know, and that the ones who have become semi-famous in our tiny community ... are just people. Sometimes people with greater skills in specific areas, and I want to continue to support them to build the games I want because I love great games ... but, at some point, I've started thinking of them as people rather than as objects who make games. Does that make sense? I hope it does.

Which, btw? Hero Worship is totally a thing from my adolescents. We'd have these speakers on stages, literally above everyone else, talking about their experiences. We'd go on missions to help/preach at people, and expect them to see us the same way. It's a whole toxic cultural of hierarchy, and I'm glad to be almost entirely over it.

Awakening: It's not a single moment. It's a series of moments. Cons are essentially a pressure cooker to force moments of insight and awareness. Or at least, they can be: Personally, I doubt a dozen sessions of Pathfinder is going to raise anyone's insight, but The Tribunal, Pirate's Life, or literally anything from #feminism are designed to do that.

And gosh you guys, am I glad to be a part of it. Thank you for having me, and for reading this somewhat lengthy and meandering post. I am so grateful to have found and become a part of this community.